oh life

You just move right along and if it requires kicking someone while they're down, well, by golly you'll do it. I'm not real fond of that.

It's nothing necessarily pertaining to me, but it's also something I shouldn't talk about on the internet. I wish I could, because I hate when people are super vague. But I don't want to add to the already huge mess than is my brother's life. Not that I think anyone of importance reads my stupid little blog, but you never know. All I can say is that I wish life would just give him a break. He's SO close to getting his life back in order but of course it's always the stupid little things that fuck everything up. And please don't get me started on the court system around here. I could go on for days...

Anywho, while I'm here I'll add that Ayden was moved from the ICU into a regular room. He's doing really well from all accounts and if he can gain some weight he should be able to go home sooner rather than later. Which of course we're all really happy about. Although current events could sour all of this real quick. bleck. I'll be visiting this weekend so I'll have more information to give then.

I got off work early today and thought about going up to visit, but my car is acting up and I really needed to get it into the shop to have the brake pads replaced. (as if I need to spend money I really don't have to spare) Plus it's Thunder over Louisville weekend, which means bridge and road closures and horrible traffic nightmares. I'm not confident enough in my knowledge of downtown to try to traverse down there right now. Things should be much more calm come Sunday.

At any rate, I came here to talk about Mike. As I mentioned a few blogs ago, Mike had a bit of a melt-down over something that happened at work. A disagreement I guess? Either way, he wasn't happy about the way the situation was handled and it turned into a huge mess at home. He went to our PCP (primary care physician) who is awesome by the way, and he suggested that Mike take a week off work to cool down and get himself to a better place mentally. That should have been wednesday, but upon a follow-up appointment our doctor decided that he needed yet another week to get control and definitely needed to see his psychiatrist as soon as possible.

While he was there our PCP decided to up his Lamictal, which is the medicine he takes to control his moods. It's becoming clear to me that while his medicines are most definitely helping, they're not working completely. I mean, I know that no medicine works 100%, but I know that he's not as in control of his moods as he could be. I also know that it will take years before we can find the right combination of meds for him. Which sucks, but what can you do?

As long as they don't make him into a zombie like Depakote did, I'll be happy.

I honestly don't think this extra week will help anything. He's been stewing over this problem for almost 2 weeks now and it's not getting better. He's been easily frustrated and every time anyone brings up work he gets all worked up. Mostly because he knows that nothing is going to change. Problems don't get solved where he works, they just get pushed to the side. His boss just sort of lets things work themselves out, and so long as they're not causing a huge problem she just pretends they aren't there. She's a very very busy lady, and I understand, but she could learn a thing or two about managing employees.

Mike's cousin is also employed at the same establishment and he isn't treated any better. In fact, he was physically assaulted by another coworker and NOTHING was done about it. Their boss told them to "go work it out" in the parking lot. And that was that. Where I work you'd get written up or fired for such problems. Hell, I've gotten "counseling" at work for essentially talking shit about someone I didn't like.

I won't go so far as I say as she doesn't care about the people who work for her, I just think that she doesn't have the time to deal with it. And as long as the problem isn't right in her face, she just can't afford to care about it. Which is frustrating when you're the one getting shit on. She lets her daughter in law have run of the place and do whatever she wants, and the people who do actual work get crapped on. I've been in situations like that and it SUCKS. But what can you do? Mike is just trying to bide his time until he can hopefully get on disability.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, but Mike applied for disability quite some time ago. He was evaluated by a state worker or whatever you call them, and naturally he was denied. I think he's actually been denied twice. So, he's gotten himself a disability lawyer to help with an appeal. He has a court date coming up not too long from now and I hope something will come from it. I know that Mike needs it. The way he feels and how he reacts to things in life isn't an act. I wish those people from the court system could see him at home when he's having a melt down. Or when he's manic. I wish they could observe him at work when he's so worked up over little stuff that he has to go in the bathroom and throw up.

I mean, I know it's a long process because there are people out there who fake this stuff, but damn it really sucks for the people who aren't. I wish they knew how hard it is for us, wondering and waiting if we'll ever get a little relief. We're hanging right at the edge waiting for that big sigh of relief....or for the swift kick in the ass. It's not fun. It's not fun for Mike knowing that he can't support himself because he's not stable enough to keep a good job. It's not fun for me seeing him the way he is now. Knowing there's really nothing I can do to help.

But as hard as it is, I know that I have to really keep it together so that I can motivate him. I'm not always successful because sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me, but I sure try.

Anyway, he went to his psychiatrist who agreed on the dosage change the PCP implemented. He also gave Mike a stronger sleeping pill. He had been prescribed Ambien previously, but that wasn't helping him at all. Often Mike will go to bed at a decent time but lay awake for hours until he finally falls asleep. And then will sleep until 2 in the afternoon. No matter what he did the previous day, even if he's tired, he can never seem to fall asleep at a decent time. Maybe a decent night's sleep will help his moods some.

Other than that, I don't think much else came from that appointment. I get the impression that his doctor just bullshits through their appointments and throws medication at him and calls it a day. And it sucks. He had been going to another place that he liked a lot, but they stopped taking his insurance and told him that they couldn't accept him as a cash paying customer. I don't even understand how that works, but it's fucked up regardless. So he had to go from a place that he actually liked and felt comfortable at, to a place where he feels anything but. He also no longer sees a therapist, which I think he really needs to do. I honestly feel like they don't do anything for him there. No one helps him cope with his problems, gives him tools to deal with life. They just say "uh huh" and throw some pills at him. Or at least that's the impression I get. I wish he could find a place that is good that actually takes his insurance or doesn't charge 9 billion dollars a visit.

As for me? I'm happy as shit that my Paxil keeps me mostly in line. I sometimes wonder how I functioned with out it. (but then I remember "duh, Tiffany, you didn't." My 3 year marriage is a testament to that)

I think that's about all I have to share at the moment. Hopefully I can come back with something a little happier on sunday.