mania

It has been quite some time since Mike has had a manic episode (or any sort of major depressive episode really.) That is always enjoyable but in the back of my mind I'm always wondering when it'll rear it's ugly head. While these episodes are always difficult, they're expected and I try to be as prepared as possible. Sometimes they're small, sometimes not so much. It just depends on the situation.

I'm sure you're seeing where I'm going here. Mike had a pretty major melt-down last night, that he doesn't completely remember. I'll try not to get into every detail, but something happened at work that upset him. Of course that carried over when he got home. Sometimes things will upset him at work and he'll be angry about it but get over it quickly. Other times, like yesterday, it'll affect the entire evening if not several days.

I try my hardest, as always, to be mindful of Mike's frame of mind. I know that sometimes asking the wrong question or phrasing something in the wrong tone can completely piss him off. That sounds bad, and I don't mean it to, it's just to say that when he's manic it's like he's a different person. Most of the time normal conversations can't be had. Although I sure do try my hardest. I think I tried a little too hard last night though as I'm pretty sure my question-asking sent him over the edge.

I guess at the end of the day my main goal is to just get him to talk to me. He seems to understand that when he's feeling okay, but when he's having an episode it's like he's incapable of understanding my concern. Or, he doesn't understand why I'm asking so many questions about "things he's said already." I don't mean to talk about him like he's handicapped or stupid or something. Far from it. It's just that it's always delicate and sometimes I'm unsure of my footing in any given situation. I like to avoid melt downs if at all possible, but sometimes he gets in this zone that's hard to break through. He gets very stubborn and wants nothing to do with anyone. He doesn't want to be asked questions and feels like he's being interrogated. And I guess the only reason it feels like an interrogation is because he doesn't answer questions right away. I'll usually have to ask him the same question, rephrased, 3-4 times before I'll even get a one-word answer. And usually that one-word question is of no help, so I'll have to ask him to be more specific. Which just makes him more upset. It's difficult in these situations not to want to talk to him though, as leaving him alone while upset usually leads to worse things. So what do I do?

I just wish he'd let me in a little bit. The instant he gets into one of his episodes, or even in a bad mood, he puts up his walls. He gives me little to no insight into what he's thinking other than to give me basic information. I mean, he'll tell me what happened or why he's upset but then get angry when I want to know how it makes him feel or what he's thinking. I just know that botteling it all up inside certainly isn't going to help things. Maybe if he let me carry a little of his burden it wouldn't be so difficult. I don't guess he sees it that way. Or at least he certainly doesn't when he's upset.

At any rate, last night we were talking. Or, I was talking and he was giving me angry one-word answers. I don't exactly recall what I did or said, but whatever it was just sent him reeling. He got very very angry and started swiping at the stuff on the desk, spilling a coke and knocking over the computer chair. (Let me make it clear that when he's angry he may take it out on inanimate objects, but not on me. I can assure you of that.) He immediatly buried his face in the pillow, seething with anger, and laughing minacially whenever I tried to ask questions.

Well, I tried to let him lay there for a bit, but that didn't help at all. I admit I got angry and probably said a few things that didn't help. But, I'm only human. I mean, sometimes he'll just say things to me that hurt my feelings. It's not like he calls me names or anything like that, but he'll lump me in with everyone else. "everyone treats me like shit", "no one cares about me", "everyone is trying to keep me down." Sometimes I feel like he doesn't think about how what he says to me, and how his words make me feel. Typing that out after everything makes me feel kind of shitty. But, like I said, I'm only human. I feel like I do a pretty good job trying to be patient with him, trying to be understanding, trying to help. Sometimes I put my feelings to the side. But, it doesn't always work. I know that when he's like this, it's difficult for him to think about anything BUT whatever is upsetting him. I get that. But it doesn't mean that it won't eventually get to me.

That being said, I wish that I had just let him be last night instead of prodding at him like I did. It's just that sometimes I just want to strangle him. Not because of him being upset, but because he won't talk to me. Really talk to me, have an actual conversation. Anytime things like this happen, it's all I want. And time and again, no matter how hard I try, sometimes I just can't understand why communciation is so difficult for him. I mean, if he wants to be cold to everyone else that's fine....but I'm the one person who's there all the time trying to make things better. I know at the end of the day he can't help it, but it still bothers me. Sometimes I think there will be a magical phrase or word that'll make him snap out of it and see what he's doing.

To get back to the story here, it eventually got to the point where I decided to call his mother. He was saying things that were completely delusional. To paraphrase, he said he believed there was some conspiracy that he "knew the truth" about, and that I was a part of it. That he figured it out, how people were trying to keep him down to keep him from getting to any better position in life. He at one point accused me of wanting to drug him and that he thinks the doctors made up his bi-polar condition in order to control him. That really really scared me as he's never said anything like that before. Even when he's so upset that he's practically catatonic, he's still "there." He still realizes who I am, where he's at, etc. Last night he was 100% not himself. Obviously.

His mom came in and sat on the bed with him and basically did the same thing I did. Tried to figure out what was wrong. He gave her the same answers. But, it made me feel better with her there knowing I didn't have to handle the situation completely on my own. When he's upset I can usually handle it, but that was new territory for me. I thought for sure we'd need to take him to the hospital, but luckily we didn't have to do that. She stayed for a while, thankfully she didn't have to work today, and actually got him to get up out of bed to go outside and talk with her. I didn't go with them because I didn't want him to feel like I was smothering him, so I don't know what they talked about. But it at least got him to the point where I felt like it was safe to go to bed. We talked a little after that, mostly I cried and told him I was scared and he gave me a hug and told me he understood. So he was at least back down to earth, even if he was still upset. That made me feel much better.

I let him play on the computer when I went to bed. I don't usually do that, but I figured it would at least get his mind off of things if he could "get away" with his video games for a bit. Aaron eventually came home and he went in the living room to wathc 24 with him. And he fell asleep on the couch. I'm just glad he did good and didn't hurt himself. I'm glad he was able to have distractions to keep him from stewing over the situation at work. I think that's what makes things worse, when he has time alone to think about things. Sometimes thinking is too much, you know?

Anywho, today he sayd he's not feeling any better. Meaning he's still upset over the stuff at work. And generally just not feeling great mentally. I've tried to be more delicate today. I think after a few days of just relaxing and trying not to ask too many questions he'll be ok. It sometimes will take a few days before he's back to himself again.

I'm glad too that he just happened to have a doctor's appointment today for something unrelated (at our primary doctor, not his therapist). Our doctor is really really great and thorough and I'm so thankful for that. He really cares about our health, mental and physical and he always checks to make sure everything is ok, not just what we came in about. So, Mike told him about last night. Our doctor thought it was best for Mike to take a week off work until he can be evaluated again to make sure he was doing ok. I think that will be a big help for Mike. He won't have to go to work and deal with whatever happened until he's feeling better. I'm hoping a week removed from the situation will help him gain a little perspective and hopefully will ease some of the tension that might be had on either side. I hate to be wishy-washy about the whole thing, but it's a whole other story to write out. It's really nothing big, just a disagreement. But, over on-going situations. So, basically something that has been bothering Mike for a while finally came to a head. Clear as mud? heh.

I feel better having written that out, as I was feeling really frustrated over our last "conversation." Hopefully he'll read this at some point and it'll help him see how I'm feeling. Sometimes I'm just better writing things out than I am when I'm trying to put them together on the spot. They at least tend to make more sense that way.

___

and just a side note, my nephew is in the hospital. He had been having seizures and had actually lost weight. Last I heard he's down from almost 7 pounds to around 4 pounds now. They're doing all sorts of tests on the poor little thing, just trying to figure out what's going on. As of yesterday he had an E.coli infection that spread into his blood stream. I was told there was going to be a blood transfusion, but I don't know if that's happened yet or not. Yesterday he had an MRI and today he had to get a spinal tap to check for any infection. He has bleeding on his brain that they're trying to figure out. So basically, he's sick and they aren't entirely sure why. Although obviously it all stems from him being premature. I don't have children, as you know, and I don't know much about babies. But it's my understanding that babies who are premature tend to have more health problems right off the bat. Although someone please correct me if I'm wrong.

Either way, it's a day by day sort of thing right now. I think we'll hear about his spinal tap results tomorrow....hopefully. I'll keep updating on that as I get information. Although if you're my friend on facebook on twitter you can get updates there a little easier.

Thanks for all the good thoughts, all 4 of you who read this.

and with that, I'm going to bed.

<3