just thinking

Don't have much to update at the moment. Things are pretty much the same so far today. The x-ray results came back, there is infection in Ayden's arm. They could do a bone biopsy but at this point they don't want to put Ayden in any more pain than he needs to be. I mean, it's being treated with antibiotics that are already being used for his other infection, so what else can be done?

They do daily CT scans and today there is more swelling, but not a lot from my understanding. Ayden is still on cpap (I think that's what it's called)...the ventilator only kicks in and breaths for him when he stops breathing on his own. They had taken him off sedation but he was in obvious pain, so they sedated him again. I think that's about that.

My brother has had a bad day today, to put it lightly. As I've mentioned before he is bipolar with borderline personality disorder (or something along those lines. All of those different things get confusing. I just know he's just like Mike.) It's hard to talk about in specifics because of all the things going on with them. But he got a little bit of bad news this morning (not concerning Ayden)..that eventually ended up getting taken care of. But before he knew that he got very upset and had a bit of an episode. I don't really want to get into specifics, but it wasn't good. Luckily things are calm now and he seems to be doing ok. Due to circumstances out of his control he's not been able to take his meds, but luckily he will be able to start them back up really soon. All things considered, excluding today, I think he's been doing a damn good job of holding it together. As always I have to give my brother credit for how strong he's been.

Now, one less thing to worry about.

I'm actually a little bummed that I've got things to do today and can't be at the hospital. We're moving in a week and I've been packing most of the day. (obviously I'm taking a break) Since I'm not there I'm going to miss a visit by two of my other cousins...my dad's younger brother's kids. I haven't seen them since my grandfather's funeral about 2 years ago. It's just not convenient for me to be at the hospital today with the packing and all, as much as I'd like to be. Either way, I'm really really glad they're coming up to visit. I know my brother has been real bummed since practically no one from my dad's side of the family have come to visit. We're not at all close to my mom's side of the family with the exception of one of her sisters, so we don't expect to see any of them.

I actually had to finally break down and send out messages to all of the members of my family who I know are on facebook. Aside from my cousin Nikki and her mom, I haven't heard a peep from anyone else. I personally don't have any of their phone numbers, so the only way to get in touch with them is via the internet. And I fully admit that we're not at all as close as we used to be when we were younger. So, I don't expect anyone to come visit or anything like that. But, I guess I figured they'd at least chime in to let me know they know what's going on. Every update that I make here is also made via the 'notes' section on facebook. Available for everyone to see. Whenever I'm online I do see posts by these other family members, I see that they're online...yet I get nothing. I got one reply from the message I sent yesterday even though I've seen some of the other people online yesterday and today. How hard is it to just write a quick reply?

My father has always been the black sheep of the family, and things have been strained the past few years with everyone. After my grandmother died in 2002, our extended family drifted pretty quickly. She was the glue that held us all together. It was very strange how things divided after that, and especially after my grandfather died. My family is a mixed bag..but isn't everyone's? One of my uncles is an educator and his wife is a nurse, as is his daughter who is a few years younger than me. They are well off and live in a super nice part of town. Then most everyone else is lower-middle class and of course my father and brother aren't doing well in the financial department at all. It seems like my uncle who is better off than the rest of us kind of drifted more than anything. Or maybe it was all of us? I don't know.

I feel bad that we don't see each other except for when things are bad. But, I guess everyone has their own lives to deal with as we get older. And sometimes it's just not as easy to get together. Or maybe we realized that even though we're family it doesn't mean we have to really like each other? Sometimes you just can't worry about anyone but yourself, you know?

Anyway, it just aggravates me a little that no one made any comments about all of this that has been going on and it took me sending out a message to get any response. And I was very nice about it. I mean, I understand that sometimes things like this are hard for people. I told them all that we by NO means expect them to come up and visit. I wasn't asking for that and I wasn't trying to make anyone feel guilty. I just felt like as family I ought to keep them somewhat informed. That way if/when something happens to Ayden they'll know and can be prepared. No matter how my dad and my uncles feel about each other, I think we can put anything aside and be together as a family when needed. Or maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. Maybe I just shouldn't worry about it and should cling to my friends and others who are offering support.

whatev.