a thought or two (or ten) about children

My latest trip to Walmart got me thinking about children and how I would probably make a lousy mother. A woman had two small toddlers with her, strapped into stroller/cart. For whatever reason one of the children was super unhappy and wailed at the top of her lungs non-stop for probably 15 minutes. No matter where I was in the store, I could hear the child. The mother, I did not. Not even when I was near them. She didn't seem to be interested in calming her child, I guess only in getting her shopping done as soon as possible. Which is understandable. But I still couldn't help but wonder why this lady didn't bother to at least TRY to get the kid to quiet down.

I sometimes feel bad when I get angry at people with screaming children. But at the same time, I wonder why it is that I have to put up with someone else's child when I'm trying to enjoy my evening. I mean, I understand that just because you have children doesn't mean you have to lock yourself in the house all day. And of course I know that it's quite difficult to get a child to reason with you especially when they're upset. However, I don't quite understand why it is that people feel the need to take toddlers or babies to the movies (adult movies, obviously, as I don't tend to watch children's movies at the theater) or to crowded restaurants in the evening. Do these people not have any consideration for others? Seeing a screaming child at Walmart or Kroger, while annoying, is tolerable. People have to buy groceries. But, you don't HAVE to drag your kid to Applebees on a Saturday night.

Now, don't get me wrong. I obviously love those that are related to me, and am quite fond of my friends' children (not that there are a ton of those.) I handle my brother's children as if they were my own and I know it's not easy. (especially with Alex who I think might have ADHD) It's usually children of strangers that I find most annoying. Perhaps it's because I have no emotional connection to them? Or maybe it's because I just don't like children that much? I've not figured that one out just yet. Either way, it's run-ins with children that often make me question my maternal instincts.

On one hand, I do love a baby. And I certainly cherish the time I have with my nieces and nephews, especially when they give me hugs and tell me they love me. That sort of stuff makes my insides all warm and fuzzy. But I certainly have no desire to be woken up in the middle of the night by a screaming baby, only to peed or puked on. (I've been puked on many times, it's not fun.) I also have no desire at this point in time to give up any of my own time. I know that being a mother means sacrificing pretty much everything. Your time, your sleep, your money, your freedom to a certain extent.

Does this make me selfish? Or am I just coming to terms with the fact that children aren't in my future? I know that most would say all of those bad things pay off in the end for having the love of a child, but I'm just not sure if any of that is right for me.

I like sleeping in when I can. I like being able to spend my money on what I want (when I have any money that is) and I certainly like being able to get in my car and go when I feel the urge. With children I am fully aware that doing anything requires pre-planning. Especially if you have more than one child, as I've seen first hand with my brother and sister-in-law. Did I mention they have 6 all together? I would rip my hair out.

This doesn't mean I don't admire women and men who handle all of that. I mean, my parents did and still do. And I am grateful for that. I think it takes a special breed of person to handle children and not go on murderous rampages every night. Anyone can procreate, but not everyone should, you know? I am always in awe of my sister in law who juggles all of her children and my bi-polar brother and all of the things going on in their life. And their children are smart and well-behaved for the most part. But then you see the trash at Walmart with their 20 kids screaming, running around the store knocking things off the shelf and the parent doesn't seem to give a crap. Why is it that those sort of people are always the ones who have the least amount of trouble having children, when it's the people who would make excellent parents who are the ones with fertility issues? Those sorts of things don't make sense to me.

I am rambling here, I know. I have a point to make here somewhere....

I'm not sure I've addressed it before, but I was married previously. I got married when I was 19 years old to my childhood sweetheart. (puke) I had known him since I was probably 12 or 13 and he was the first person I ever loved. I lost my virginity to him, even. He joined the military right after 9/11 and was set to deploy in early 2003. So, even though it was early in our more adult relationship, it made sense to get married. At the time, anyway. He was going away and wanted me to have the military benefits while he was gone. And of course to be taken care of should something happen to him. So 19 year old me got married and tried my best to be everything the world told me I should be. A wife and a mother.

That, obviously, didn't go so well. I had barely lived on my own when he left. I had no idea how to run a household, let alone do it by myself. Yet something inside of me was telling me that it needed to be done, that this was what I was supposed to do. Why I thought this was more important than finishing college, I'll never know. But that's what I did. And I was absolutely terrible at it.

Before and after he returned I prayed to the heavens that I would get pregnant. It was like there was a ticking time bomb inside of me that would kill me if I didn't have a child. And every time someone I knew got pregnant I would die a little inside. I would become enveloped in anger and jealousy. It was disgusting. I was disgusting.

As the years went on I started to think there might be something wrong with me. We never used birth control and yet we never got pregnant. There were times when I thought I might be, but it never panned out. It was becoming more obvious to me that the problem might be me. I had never had regular periods and would sometimes go months with out one. But I still tried and hoped and wished it would happen.

And then we got divorced. That's a long ridiculous story that I'm not very proud of, but it happened. We weren't good for each other in the least. Sure, we played the part really well to our friends. We bought a house and planned for the future. But underneath it all, it was bad.

So after we divorced I thanked my lucky stars that we never had a child. Maybe we didn't have kids for a reason? Divorce was so very hard, just between the two of us. I couldn't imagine how difficult it would have been with a child involved. Perhaps somewhere out there in the cosmos, whatever it is that rules the universe knew that it wouldn't work out. Whatever the reasoning, I'm thankful. Our children would have turned out terrible abominations, I'm sure.

And to add insult to injury, he got his new girlfriend pregnant before our divorce was even final. Now they're married and have a kid and are living the life I wanted so badly to live. And while it hurt for a long time afterwards, I look at it now as a blessing. I don't think it was what I wanted after all. It's weird to say, but good for him. For having what he wants and for being happy. Even though it took a lot of pain on both of our sides to get there. I'm glad we didn't have to bring a child into a bad marriage. I'm glad I'm not trapped there with him, miserable as I was.

Now that I'm older and in a different relationship, I don't feel the urgency any more. I don't feel jealous when my friends get pregnant. It's like my biological clock realized there was no need to tick. Or maybe I just realized that I'm not mother material. I have a lot of issues, and Mike and I certainly have no room in our life for a child. It would be unfair because we aren't ready for that. He hasn't gotten his illness under control and I certainly am not in any place financially to properly care for a child. I'd hate to not be able to provide all the things a child deserved, simply because I wasn't prepared.

So all of my questioning of motherhood makes me wonder.....do I even want to be a mother? Or have I just talked myself to that point so I don't hurt over the fact that I might not even be able to have children? Maybe my fertility issues have allowed me time to think the whole thing over. Something I didn't do when I was 19 years old. Perhaps all of my troubles have allowed me to grow as a person, to see myself for who I really am. Maybe it's not meant to be, or maybe it'll happen later on down the road when I am ready?

Either way, I know right here, right now, I don't feel the desire to have children. And that's ok with me. I guess I'm just glad I was given the opportunity to think it through.

(and seriously, if you got this far, good for you. that was so rambly and messy it's a wonder any of it made sense)