oh hai blog...

Gah, I haven't updated in forever. I sometimes get where I have no desire to write or be creative. I don't know if stress or the unbearable heat has been sucking the life out of me or what. I know that it's irritating though. I feel the need for creativity, be it writing or sewing or something. But whenever I sit down to do said things I can never get started. I'll think about what I want to do or write a sentence and then say fuck it and go watch tv. Once I actually get into it I'm fine, but getting started always feels like such a chore...which is strange since it's something I actually want to do.

Mostly right now I'm just really tired from work. It's SO hot right now. Well, today is ok, but this past week was hell on earth. It was 102 degrees here on wednesday, with heat indexes of 115 with humidity. It's really the humidity that kills you. It's oppressive to the point where you feel like you can't walk or breathe. The air is thick and everything is moist. It's disgusting. If I hadn't mentioned it before, I work in a warehouse that doesn't have air conditioning. We have fans, sure, but they only help if you're standing by one. I often have to pick stuff out on the floor and there aren't fans in in the aisles. Simply standing in an aisle for more than an minute or two causes sweat to pour out of you. By the end of the day I feel like I've taken a bath in my clothes. Very very gross.

I drink as much water as possible, but sometimes it feels like it's not enough. The week before last I actually got physically ill and had to go home. I don't really know what I did wrong, but I had a terrible headache and felt weak and sick to my stomach. Classic signs of heat exhaustion. This year is my 4th summer where I work and I can't remember a time where it was worse. I can handle being hot, but this has been ridiculous. So naturally every day when I get home I have no desire to do anything beyond taking a shower and sitting on the couch. That in its self is depressing. I think about other people I know who have cushy office jobs or are stay at home mom's who get to sit in the air conditioning all day. Sometimes I am blinded by jealousy. But I have to remember that I am only where I'm at in life because of the choices I've made. It doesn't depress me any less though.

On top of that, I feel like I'm working SO hard for so little. I'll be at my job for 3 years in September (well, technically 4 years since I worked there right out of high school, but I quit and was gone for a few years so I lost my seniority) I have only gotten one raise. And I have no idea when I'll get another. I mean, I guess I ought to be appreciative of even having my job. The recession has been hard on us in the (high-end) retail business and we had to lay off a lot of people in 2008. They also had to cut our raises and bonuses. We've been doing better gradually as time goes by, but it's still nothing compared to how things used to be. The past few springs/summers have been bad. We often get sent home early, which sometimes results in 50-60 hour paychecks. We earn flexible time off that we bank and can use when we get sent home early or miss a day, but that runs out very very fast. And when they're constantly sending us home early, it means we accrue less and are spending more. So more often than not I have no FTO to use and just have to get by with what I work. I had a vacation in June that I really needed but couldn't take because of my lack of FTO. If that's not a moral killer, I don't know what is.

So I go to work and sweat to death and then get a shitty paycheck for it. I sometimes wonder why I work as hard as I do. I mean, why bust my ass for the same pay. Hell, when we get new people in for the holidays I only make 30 more cents than they do....despite the fact that I could essentially run the warehouse with all of my knowledge. I would even go so far as to say that I work harder than the people who've been there longer than I have and who make far more money than I do. But maybe they're smarter than me and realize they shouldn't kill themselves to do good work when they're really not getting rewarded for it.

We got a small bonus earlier in the year for beating our sales goal for the year, but after they taxed it to death it wasn't much. I would have much rather have had that extra money on my paycheck each week. Especially considering Mike isn't working.

So naturally my stress comes from knowing that my measly paycheck has to cover the both of us. I know that it'll get better eventually, but it's really hard when there are so many things I want to do but can't. I want to go on a vacation, to sit on the beach and relax. I want to get a new tattoo, as stupid and pointless as they are. I want to have a real honeymoon! Hell, right now I can't afford to get a haircut.

At the end of the day I know that I should be thankful that my bills get paid. My checks are enough to cover rent, electricity, food and gas. So I always know that I will have a roof over my head and food in my stomach, but that isn't enough to really feel like you're alive. Life is more than just being, you know? I want to see different things, actually get out of the house to do stuff beyond going to work or to the grocery store. I don't even have the extra money right now to pay for the extra gas it would take to drive to Louisville one extra day to see my family. Yes I'm in Louisville every day for work, but I budget my gas to get to and from work and that's it. And I sure as hell don't have the extra gas to drive from here to Florence to see my mom. Which I really need to do considering she's helping me with a lot of wedding stuff.

But, as the summer is on it's way out, it means work will start to pick up again. I worked I think 36 hours last week and a full week this week, so it's looking up (for the time being.) We had actually been a day or so behind in our work this week and had to call in some temps to help us get caught up. And starting next week we've called in a few seasonals that worked last fall/winter, including my room mate. Which at the very least means I'm going to save money on gas since we carpool. I'm hoping things stay steady as we roll into fall. Right now we're having a bit of a sale and it's back to school time, so people are stocking up on school clothes and backpacks. I'm sure as September rolls around it'll slow down a bit, but I think that's about the time we roll out winter stuff. If we can just keep steady work, nothing ridiculous, I'll be happy. And if it would cool the fuck down, I'd be even happier. I guess we'll see.

I have to do stuff like this very blog....write everything out and really think about things, in order to talk myself into not being too depressed. I know it'll get better but it's hard right now. I know eventually we'll be busy enough to start working weekends and I'll be up to my ears in winter coats and snow boots. And hopefully I'll have banked enough FTO to actually take my vacation for my "honeymoon" the 1st week of November. Well, even if I haven't, I can borrow FTO since I'll no longer be in the negative. I'm very much looking forward to the wedding and to having a week off of work in the fall. I'm still real stressed about the wedding, for monetary reasons, but Mike tells me not to worry about it. His mom has promised that she'll help us pay for it, but I feel bad about that. Like I said, as fall comes around work will pick up, so hopefully I'll have more extra money to pay for some things we need.

My mother is also helping with paying for things. She's given me money here and there and has paid for way more stuff than I feel she needed to. But she's excited about it, so what can you do? I'm appreciative, don't get me wrong, but at the same time I hate to feel like I'm being any kind of financial burden on anyone. She's doesn't make much more money than I do (but does have steadier work considering she works at a casino) so I don't want to feel like she's hurting herself by helping me. But I guess she wouldn't do it if she couldn't afford it. It's not every day your daughter gets married (well.....it's not every day that your daughter has an actual real wedding with a ceremony and everything and isn't just doing it last-minute at a court house...heh)

To be honest I haven't done much wedding stuff recently. We got our wedding invitations sent out and are now waiting on people to RSVP. Other than that, it's just small details. I need shoes and jewelry and for my mom to alter my dress a bit. Most of the stuff we just can't do anything about right now because of lack of money. We're 85 days out, which seems like a lot, but I know it'll go fast. I'm just hoping we can get everything worked out. Mike tells me not to worry as I mentioned, but in the same breath tells me I'm high-strung. So I don't know why he thinks I won't worry.

Anyway, here's a link to our honeyfund. Distasteful? Perhaps. But we're poor, so what can you do?

http://www.honeyfund.com/wedding/mikeandtiffany103110

I guess that's about all I have to share at the moment. Maybe I'll start writing more when I stopped be so damn stressed out.