Father's day and wedding dresses

I'm really not at all original with my blog post titles anymore.

Obviously, today is father's day. I feel bad that today I feel the need to write about my step-dad and not my actual dad. Not that I don't have plenty of things to say about him, but my step-dad died almost 4 years ago and there are a lot of things I never got to tell him. He and my mom divorced when I was a senior in high school, so I hadn't seen him for 5 years when he passed.

My mom and step-dad got married when I was in elementary school I believe (well, that's when we all moved in together anyway) I absolutely loathed him with all of my being. He wasn't my father and I didn't have to listen to him. As it is customary to say to a step parent it seems. He was quiet and had a completely different parenting style than my father (that is to say, he told me to do things where as my father usually let me do as I pleased. Not that I was a bad kid or anything, I respected my father but he let me get away with a lot more since we only saw him on the weekends)

Most of the time he scared me because of his quiet demeanor. I could probably count on one hand the times I'd seen him smile in my life. I always got the impression that he didn't like me and didn't care to be around me. It's funny looking back at things when you're older and realizing that you saw things completely different as a child. I saw a stern red haired man who kept to himself except to go to fantasy baseball leagues. He went to work, watched baseball and drank beers. And he scared my friends.

It wasn't until probably the year that he and my mom separated that I actually started to see him as a person and not as this imposing figure in my life. And it wasn't until he passed away that I realized I hadn't thanked him for any of the things he did for me. I was an ungrateful spoiled brat and didn't even realize it.

When he and my mother met we were living with my mom in a tiny trailer. I did certainly see my father with frequency, don't get me wrong. But he too lived in a tiny apartment and wasn't doing that much better than my mother. They'd been divorced since I was 5, so I was completely used to a week-day mother and weekend father. It was my life as a child and while it wasn't ideal, I wouldn't fault either of my parents for that situation. Sometimes you can't help it.

Anywho, not too long after they started dating we all moved into a decent sized house in Shively which is a suburb of Louisville. We, meaning my mother, brother and I plus my step-dad and his two sons who are older than I. It was weird, but it was better than a trailer. We lived in that house for almost 10 years, I think. Maybe a little less. But it's the only place I've ever considered home. We moved around a lot until then, and even more still afterwards. Looking back, it was the most stable period in my life it seems. I stayed in the same middle and high school with out jumping to different places. I made friends who I saw every day. It was as normal as normal could be for a blended family. And I got everything I ever wanted. Even if I didn't appreciate it.

We went on lovely vacations as a family and I honestly can't remember a time in that period when I didn't get something I wanted, or needed, more importantly. And then they divorced and we moved back to an apartment. It wasn't until I got a little older that my mother told me that they only got married because Frank, my step-dad, wanted to take care of us. He saw my mother with 2 children and saw we needed help. Not that they didn't love each other, I know that they did, but it was more for us I think than anything. At least that's the impression I get. I see now that at the time they divorced I was getting ready to graduate and my mother was moving up in her job and making better money. I think he saw that we didn't need his help anymore? I'm not entirely sure.

I resented him for several years after that because I didn't understand. And I certainly never realized that I wouldn't have had such a "normal" childhood where it not for him. The amount of guilt I felt when he passed away was overwhelming. I wondered if he knew just how much I appreciated him for all he did. And I didn't realize until then that I loved him as much as a step-child can love a step-parent. Frequently I feel remorse for those things I never got to say, though I am always reassured by his family that he knew all of those things and that he did not in fact hate me like I always thought he did.

So today I'm going to take my dad to lunch because HE deserves as much recognition as anyone. Because he lived through all of that weirdness too and had to attempt to raise us solely on the weekends. I love and appreciate my father (and if I got into all of the things he's done, especially over the past couple of years, I would have to write a book.) But I will also thank and appreciate my step-dad for what he did for us and be happy that he's no longer in pain from the cancer that took him out of this world. Happy father's day to the two men who raised me.

(okay I'm going to cry now, dammit)

In other much less depressing news, I bought my wedding dress yesterday! (hooray!) I would post a picture but I'm already feeling like I'm verging on jinxing myself. As stupid as that seems. Only my friend Shannon has seen me in the dress, but I did show the dress to Mike. I figured he needed an idea at least and that as long as he didn't see me IN the dress it would be ok. lol. It's red satin with what I believe you would call a sweetheart neckline with spaghetti straps. With some spanx underneath it's all good! I do need my mother to fix the straps since they're a little long, but that shouldn't be a big deal. I may also need her to hem the bottom, but I won't make a call on that until I get some shoes. Did I mention I got it for $50?

Yes, $50. It had been something like $150, was marked down to $79 and since they were having some ridiculous sale it was down to $49. I almost peed my pants. Even more so because we had only been at the store for like a half hour or something and it was I think the 4th dress I tried on. There was another dress that was gorgeous that I loved but it was the biggest they carried and my boobs were too big for it. Which is what I hate about dresses. They always run small and I eventually have to try on a dress that's like 30 times bigger that my pants size because of my boobs. But this one actually fits well all over, so I'm pretty stoked.

And yes I realize that wedding dresses are traditionally white, but I'm not a traditional girl, so what can you do? Our wedding is on Halloween after all, and we're weird. I figured red and black would be nice and simple and fitting for a dark holiday. I like it and I'm excited. :)

So now we have only minor details to attend to. My friend Shannon and I went out shopping all day yesterday for wedding stuff. We bought probably 90% of the stuff for the bouquets at Hobby Lobby for less than $20. All of their flowers were 50% off, did I mention that? Damn, I love a good deal. Then we picked up some party favor bags and some floral tape at Michael's (another craft store.) The party favor bags are black damask, which is fun because I also picked up some red and black damask ribbon to wrap around the stems of the flowers in my bouquet.

(sample of a damask pattern)

What's even MORE fun is that they have adorable little damask patterned cupcake wrappers that match the bags, so I think I'm going to go back and buy them at some point. I decided yesterday I'm going to do cupcakes instead of a cake because it would be easier to serve. We won't have to buy a serving set or have someone sitting around cutting the cake for everyone. Not that we're going to have a ton of people there, but I like easier things. My mom is going to make the cupcakes and probably go with red icing and black piping of some sort (maybe black roses, I haven't decided) OH! Maybe red velvet cake? I'm really realizing this is getting into a very goth territory, but that's ok. I'm not traditional and want something different that people will remember and have fun with. After all, people will be in costume.

Anywho, I need to find some jewelry and figure out what to do with my hair and makeup. I will also probably make myself a veil. I was thinking a little hair clip with some black birdcage material attached to it that'll go over my face a little. Nothing ridiculous. I've already gotten some cute ideas from Etsy.com. It's not for another 4 months so I can get those things in increments.

We also signed the contract for the room and have put down a deposit (or, will next week anyway.) Did I mention we're getting a free suite at the casino hotel? Even more reason to be excited!

Things left to do:

-Make invitations and have kinkos print and send them to us

-Get the menu finalized

-put together centerpieces (the hotel provides some decorations and linens. We're probably just going to put some baby pumpkins on the tables with some tea lights and maybe some flowers, not sure)

-buy shoes and jewelry

-look into renting some speakers for music (we're going to do our own music on our laptop with just a little playlist)

-finish bouquets and boutonnières.

-rent Mike a tux (which won't take any time at all to do, can be done almost last minute)

-Put together party favors (I'm putting Halloween candy in the bags, which I can also do last minute since I can't get that candy until close to Halloween anyway)

-make cupcakes/find some cupcake tiers or something to display them on

-get a marriage license.

In retrospect that seems like a lot, but they can be done in increments like I said, and they're all relatively small details compared to booking the place and getting my dress. So, yay!

Now I'm going to shut up and figure out when my dad is going to come over so we can go to lunch

<3