what day is it again?

It's been one week and two days since Ayden has left us. Almost a week since his funeral.

I've noticed that my mood has changed a bit since last week. I feel like I have my emotions under control, at least to where I'm not crying in public and am generally keeping it together at work. But now I'm in a very introverted mood. I find myself day dreaming and generally just avoiding talking to people at work most of the day. I don't much feel like talking to people and have noticed people are having a harder time getting my attention (I use headphones at work, but I can still usually hear people)

I haven't cried in 3 or 4 days. I think something inside of me is broken now. Like a switch has been flipped. All of the pain I let flow out of me last week is just bubbling up inside of me. It's a little scary, actually. I'm feeling all of the pain and certainly feeling the effects of grief. I've gotten a good amount of sleep so far since the weekend, but I find myself exhausted early in the day. I've been so tired after work that I end up falling asleep on the couch watching tv around 7 or 8.

Today Mike woke me up a little after 5am because he was feeling really sick. He was shivering and chattering his teeth and feeling horrible. I knew I needed to take him to the ER since we couldn't get a same day doc's appointment. I opted to just stay home from work because I felt tired before I even left the bed. (Mike has the flu by the way) Once we got home I read a book for a bit and fell back to sleep for another 3 1/2 hours, even after I got more than 8 hours of sleep last night. I haven't done anything today but water some flowers and read and I already feel like I could go back to bed. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better, but I'm not holding my breath.

Talking with my dad he says that he and my brother are feeling pretty much the same way. We're all in a state of denial I think. I mean, rationally I cannot deny the circumstances we are under. I watched all of the tests when they pronounced brain death, I saw him in the casket and I watched as they covered him with dirt in the ground. I have fucking nightmares about it. In my head he isn't gone. When I dream sometimes I see him in the casket still alive wondering why he's covered in dirt. Or sometimes I imagine the horrible things that the earth is doing to him. It's a horrible horrible thing to experience.

Right now I just can't believe he's not here. In my mind he's still our sweet little boy smiling and laughing and loving life to the fullest extent possible. The thought of him in any other state is more than I think my brain can handle right now. I know what is true, but I still just can't handle it. I keep thinking that if I cuddle his stuffed animals enough, or look at enough pictures that someone will reward us and give him back. I honestly don't think I'm even explaining properly how it feels. It's absolutely surreal and any moment I fully expect to wake up to find it's not real.

Speaking of waking up, my days are still just blurring together. It's already wednesday night and before I know it friday will be here. I find that I mostly only look forward to eating and going to sleep. In a way I feel like I'm going completely insane very very slowly. I'm wondering if I should be worried or if everything I'm feeling is normal?

Either way, I've felt more sad today than the other days this week so far. Probably because I didn't go to work. I suppose I ought to be thankful that work keeps me so occupied, if only it didn't make me so damn tired.

I did learn that my brother kept his appointment to get himself back on some medications. I'm so proud of my brother for keeping his appointment since he had it set up even before Ayden went back into the hospital. He needed to get back on medication and this situation certainly doesn't help any. I know that he wants to be better for the older boys and I'm glad he's trying so hard. I don't think my brother gets enough credit for all that he does for his kids, I think lesser people would crack under the pressure he's often under.

I guess that's all I have to say about that. Here's hoping that tomorrow hurts a little less.