here and there

Well, my last days of vacation are upon me, unfortunately. These things go way too fast in my opinion. And of course it seems like it took ages to get here. My last vacation was in June of last year, so it was certainly overdue. I'm only entitled to one prescheduled week of vacation per year, although I can get more time off if need be. It's just that I have to wait until everyone else has gotten an opportunity to ask for their minimum amount of vacation before I can go back through the calendar to ask for whatever is left (and of course I have to have enough FTO to do it) After September of next year I get two weeks! Every year you earn more FTO per hour worked, so I'm hoping that things will pick up so that I can actually accrue enough time to take those two weeks. We'll see.

Speaking of work, the 17th was my 2 years with Hanna (if you wanna be technical it's 3 years....but after I quit back in 03 I lost my seniority since more than a year passed before I came back) Too bad they suspended our raises this year. I probably won't get another raise until 2010 which really sucks. But I guess I should be happy to have a job. Not that I'm looking forward to going back on monday. I am glad that I got a chance to take some time off before the holiday season gets in full swing.

I haven't really done much of anything today to be honest. I really just want to relax and take it easy, although I wouldn't protest to going out and doing something tonight. We were invited to watch a UFC pay-per-view at our friend Brandon's house, but Mike doesn't really want to go. There aren't any fights he's eager to see so I guess he doesn't want to have to pitch in for something he doesn't have that much interest in. So we don't really have any plans other than to go to the grocery store.

Last night we went out for dinner at The Yellow Cactus in Floyd's Knobs. We had been invited to go to Vietnam Kitchen with one of our friends who was in from Nashville, but Mike wasn't the least bit interested in the cuisine. I was pretty bummed about that, but it probably would have been more of a hassle to go than it was to just compromise and go somewhere else. I just get tired of eating the same stuff all the time, you know? There isn't a huge selection of different things here in Southern Indiana, so it seems like you have to go to Louisville to get anything different. Sometimes 'different' means more expensive though. We had looked at reviews on LouisvilleHotBytes.com for a few places and saw one called Baxter Station that looked good, but Mike wasn't stoked about driving his mom's car to Louisville and back. It does good to get around here, but we don't trust it to get to and from Louisville.

At any rate, I didn't have my car just yet and couldn't pick it up until after 7, and it would have been a total hassle to go to pick it up and then take his car back to Georgetown and then drive out to Frankfort avenue and then back. So we settled on something closer. Just your run of the mill mexican place. It's nothing spectacular but it's relatively inexpensive and the food was tasty, so whatever.

Once we finished dinner we headed to walmart in New Albany to pick up a few things I needed. I had to at least buy Aaron a new tooth brush since I threw his away by accident (it had been sitting on the back of the toilet for what seemed like ages, and I thought it maybe had belonged to his sister or something before she moved) It probably would have been easier to go to the walmart in Clarksville, but that place is always packed. And I like to avoid packs of rednecks if at all possible. Well I guess you can't avoid rednecks entirely if you're going to walmart, but they're not as bad in the smaller one.

Our next plan of action was to get some dessert at Homemade Ice Cream and Pie Kitchen in Clarksville and then swing by to pick up my car from mom's work (which is in the same area) We were going to go to Target to look at Snuggies (yes, snuggies!) but it was 8:30 by the time we got done with dessert and I wanted to make sure to get my car picked up before mom got off work. (too bad I had to take her home, which I hadn't planned on, which meant I had to wait til 9:30 when she got off) Mom had told me that her friend was going to take her home, so I had just planned on getting my car and going. Oh well.

While waiting for mom to get off work, Mike checked his facebook and twitter to kill time. We had thought about just getting a movie and going home and hanging out. Since Aaron was out at dinner we thought we might have a little privacy at home. When Mike checked his twitter he realized Aaron was home, so he was instantly in a bad mood. I mean, having to share space is par for the course when you have room mates. And I'm certainly not in any position to complain. It's not our house, for one, and we pay a low amount in rent. So I'm happy to have a place to stay until I can get my own place when my car gets paid off. But, it does suck sometimes when you want to have a little alone time with your fiance.

Anywho, this situation was a bit of a bummer for me....but things like this often have a completely different effect on Mike. He barely talked to me the rest of the time we were in the car, and then barely wanted to look at me when I had to go and take mom home. When I finally got home he was laying on the bed like he always does when he's upset. And he all but ignored me when I tried having a conversation with him.

Situations like this are beyond frustrating. And I'd like to stress that I fully realize that being bipolar makes him react to things differently than your average person. It doesn't make his reactions any less stressful for me. I do my absolute best to remind myself that he sees things differently than I do. That his brain interprets situations on a completely different level. But I'm not perfect. Sometimes I have a hard time telling myself he's not being difficult on purpose. I guess it's just hard trying to figure out what part of his reaction is the bipolar and what part is just his personality. If that makes sense.

I try to choose my words wisely when he's upset, because you never know what's going to make the situation worse. I try not to make him feel bad for feeling the way he feels and I try not to put blame on him. I just hate feeling like we're slaves to his condition. I hate feeling like I have to watch what I say and how I react to any given thing. I know it's not his fault, but sometimes I feel like my feelings are never considered. Like I'm just supposed to completely put myself aside.

So I tried talking to him, gently. It seemed to me that while he was aggravated and annoyed by the whole thing, he probably would be okay eventually. I saw that it wasn't a dire situation, where I have to hide scissors and razorblades from him. Of course he was aggravated by me asking questions when he had "fucking told me already" what the problem was. I guess I just thought getting out his frustration would help. I asked him if he was just going to let it ruin the evening and lay in bed all night and he said "what else is there to do?" Sometimes I just want to smash my face into a brick wall. Sometimes he's just difficult. Almost all of the time, when he's feeling better, he realizes how he talks to me and how he hurts me with his words. But it doesn't completely erase the situation. I guess I just wish I knew what to do in any of these situations. I've never talked to any of his doctors personally, so I don't know what's recommended.

Do I leave him alone? Is it a good idea to try to talk to him, reason with him? Or is that just a stupid idea? Does it make things worse when I ask him for answers, when I try to get him to talk to me when he's upset? I know that sometimes when I'm angry I just want to be left alone.....but to someone who often times feels alone, I wonder if that would just make the situation worse. When he gets into his funks he'll tell me that he feels alone, that everyone would be better off with out him around. I've never dealt closely with someone who is bipolar, so I haven't the slightest idea what's right or what's wrong. (doc's thought for a long time that my brother was bipolar, but this was well after I had been married and was living on my own)

I recognize that his situation is getting better though. Or it at least has calmed some. Before he started taking medication and seeing a therapist, things were wild. When something upset him, any little thing really, he would spiral almost out of control. He'd be depressed for days at a time, lay in bed and do nothing, and would get angry at the littlest things. Now those 'funks' don't last nearly as long, and when he gets upset he seems to recover a lot faster. He used to get so bad that he would be catatonic. He'd lay in bed, cry, stare at the wall....do anything but speak. It would take me an hour to get him to say even one word. So believe me, I can tell a difference. But I do sometimes wonder if there is more that can be done.

I know that mental illness is a life long struggle. I've watched my brother deteriorate over the past few years due to Borderline Personality Disorder. And I've personally struggled with anxiety and depression. (mental illness and addiction are problems on both sides of my family) He takes a number of medications. Xanax for anxiety, Cymbalta and Abilify for depression and Lamictal to stabilize his moods. Well, he was taking Depokote, but that made him gain weight, so they switched him. It doesn't hurt that he quit his stressful job and now works at a small pharmacy in town where things are much more laid back. He also sees a psychiatrist as well as a therapist. So why is he still having episodes? I mean, is the medicine used to make the episodes less severe or are they supposed to take them away all together? Like I said, I just feel like I don't have enough information. I feel like I'm ill-equipped. I would never forgive myself if something I did (or didn't do) made his situation worse. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing surgery, even though I never went to medical school. Like any move that I make could damage him.

I am committed to seeing it through though. As hard as it is, what kind of person would I be if I just gave up? "well, this is too hard so I'm going to split" How would I feel if I were in his shoes? I fell in love with someone 2 1/2 years ago and I'm not going to give up on that person just because he has flaws. He's still in there, it's just going to take some work to get that person back to where he used to be...or at least close to it.

I was married for 3 years to someone who gave up on me in my darkest time. Several years ago I was having a tough bout with depression...well I didn't recognize it as depression at first. I had a hard time keeping a job and I was sad all the time. I felt horrible for a long time. But he didn't want to recognize it as anything mental. He chose to believe I was lazy and ignorant. He wanted to call me names and treat me like I was a child, like I was inferior to him. And now I find myself in his shoes. But I'm not going to take his route. I'm not going to kick Mike while he's down, spit on him like he's some sort of animal. I have to remind myself that only the best things in life are worth struggling for.